1. Listing Evidence Without Explanation
Problem: Students often include research or statistics but do not explain what the evidence means.
Example (Original):
Lack of proximity to healthcare providers, limited suitable transportation options, distance and travel time are fundamental barriers to healthcare in rural and remote Australia. A review by Mseke et al. (2024) demonstrated that even relatively short distances, such as 16 kilometres or travel times greater than 30 minutes, precipitate a marked decline in health service utilisation. Keeves et al. (2021) and Thorn & Olley (2023) also reported that reliance on others for transport was associated with reduced utilisation of services.
Example (Improved):
Lack of proximity to healthcare providers, limited suitable transportation options, and increased travel time are fundamental barriers to healthcare in rural and remote Australia. A review by Mseke et al. (2024) demonstrated that even relatively short distances, such as 16 kilometres or travel times greater than 30 minutes, result in a marked decline in health service utilisation. This suggests that even moderate geographic barriers can significantly reduce patients’ ability or willingness to access care. Similarly, Keeves et al. (2021) and Thorn & Olley (2023) found that reliance on others for transport is associated with reduced utilisation of services, likely due to decreased autonomy and increased logistical burden. Together, these findings highlight how both distance and transport limitations act as key barriers to accessing healthcare.
Key takeaway: Evidence should always be followed by explanation
2. Including Too Many Ideas in One Paragraph
Problem: A paragraph tries to discuss multiple concepts, making the argument unclear.
Example (Original):
Lack of proximity to healthcare providers, limited suitable transportation options, distance and travel time are fundamental barriers to healthcare in rural and remote Australia. A review by Mseke et al. (2024) demonstrated that even relatively short distances reduce service utilisation. Utilisation of specialist care services was most affected. Inadequate public transport and reliance on visiting services also contribute to access issues. Keeves et al. (2021) and Thorn & Olley (2023) found transport reliance reduces utilisation. Further investigation into transport services is needed.
This paragraph covers multiple ideas (distance, specialist access, public transport, and service models), lacking clarity and focus. Each point should be discussed in its own paragraph.
Example (Improved structure):
Limited access to suitable transportation further restricts healthcare utilisation in rural and remote communities. Keeves et al. (2021) and Thorn & Olley (2023) found that reliance on others for transport is associated with reduced engagement with health services. This may reflect the logistical challenges and reduced independence experienced by individuals without reliable transport options. As a result, transportation barriers compound the effects of geographic distance on healthcare access.
Key takeaway: One paragraph = one main idea
3. Writing Paragraphs Without a Clear Topic Sentence
Problem: The paragraph starts with evidence rather than the main point.
Example (Original):
The 2016 National Eye Health Survey found Indigenous Australians living in rural and remote areas are diagnosed with diabetic retinopathy, visual impairment, blindness, and trachoma at higher rates, with prevalence increasing with remoteness (Foremen et al. 2016). These eye conditions are chronic and not only reduce quality of life but also limit employment opportunities and contribute to broader social and economic exclusion (Street et al. 2019). Critically, many eye diseases, such as diabetic retinopathy, are preventable or manageable, yet reduced availability of ophthalmology screening, poor service uptake, and low adherence to recommended eye examination guidelines continue to widen the gap in disease rates between rural and metropolitan populations (Foremen et al. 2017).
Example (Improved):
Individuals living in rural and remote areas, particularly Indigenous Australians, experience disproportionately poorer eye health outcomes. The 2016 National Eye Health Survey found that Indigenous Australians in these regions are diagnosed with diabetic retinopathy, visual impairment, blindness, and trachoma at higher rates, with prevalence increasing with remoteness (Foremen et al. 2016). These conditions not only reduce quality of life but also limit employment opportunities and contribute to broader social and economic exclusion (Street et al. 2019). Critically, although many eye diseases are preventable or manageable, reduced availability of ophthalmology screening, poor service uptake, and low adherence to recommended guidelines continue to widen disparities between rural and metropolitan populations (Foremen et al. 2017).
Key takeaway: Start with the claim, then support it
4. Not Linking Back to the Essay Question
Problem: The paragraph contains good information but does not connect to the main argument.
Example (Original):
These findings demonstrate differences in healthcare access between regions.
Example (Improved ending):
These findings demonstrate that geographical location remains a major determinant of healthcare access in Australia.
Key takeaway: Always connect the paragraph back to the essay question or thesis
